Coronavirus Fears, Democratic Primaries & Women’s History Month – The Daily Show: Global Edition


– Welcome to “The Daily Show:
Global Edition.” I’m Trevor Noah.
Before we begin, some news out of Hong Kong. Officials are warning people
not to kiss their pets because a dog contracted
coronavirus, yes. However, it is still okay to take your dog
to dinner and a movie. You know, sometimes it’s nice
to go something without physical reward
at the end. Here are
this week’s headlines. All right, so look,
normally, we would catch up on all of the headlines
from around the world. You know, maybe we’d talk
about Harvey Weinstein getting 23 years in prison. (cheering and applause)
Uh, yeah. Or we could talk
about the Supreme Court giving President Trump
a victory on immigration. But today,
there’s only one story the entire world
is talking about– the coronavirus,
aka COVID-19, aka Mambo Number Death.
(laughter) It’s now in 110 countries with over 122,000
confirmed cases, and it looks like
it’s only getting worse. – The World Health
Organization today officially designating
coronavirus as a global pandemic. Congress’s in-house doctor
told Capitol Hill staffers at a closed-door meeting
this week that he expects 75 to 150 million people in the United States
to contract the coronavirus. – New tests led by
the U.S. government scientists show the virus can live
in the air for several hours and on some surfaces
for up to three days. – Oh, okay.
That’s a lot of information, so let’s try
and break it all down. First, the World–
World Health Organization has officially just declared
coronavirus a global pandemic. Which, yes,
is scary for us humans, but from corona’s perspective,
it’s pretty cool, yeah? No, ’cause for a virus, this is like going
platinum, you know? It’s… it’s a big day. Started from the Wuhan,
now we’re here. (laughter) I think it’s pretty cool
for corona. And yes, I’m saying that
because I hope if I suck up to corona,
it’ll leave me alone. I, uh, I’m not sure
if it’ll work, but I’m gonna try it. Now, the second piece
of information is a little more
disconcerting. Congress’s in-house doctor says up to 150 million people
in the United States could end up getting corona. Yeah, that is
half the country. And then the other half
won’t get it because they’re clearly losers
who don’t have friends. Yeah, it’s gonna be like, “Like, how do you
not have corona? Has nobody touched you?
I’d rather be dead.” And the third point
might be the most scary. Uh, we’re learning
that this coronavirus can stay on some surfaces
for up to three days. Yeah, although in New York,
it doesn’t stay as long because it can’t
afford the rent. That’s the good news. The housing crisis is real. Now, on some surfaces
like cardboard… Apparently, corona can only
survive for a day if it’s cardboard. But then on harder surfaces
like glass, it can survive
for much longer. So, like, your cell phone? That could be a problem. Yeah. My advice? Clear your browsing history. Yeah, I mean,
you might still get corona, but at least the doctors
won’t see all the freaky shit you’ve been searching
on your phone. “Is this your emergency co–
Wait, what the hell?” And look, guys,
I know we’re all scared, but it’s important
to keep a clear head. Panic is not gonna
help anything. Right, we’re still
learning about this. We’re still learning
about the mortality rate. And panic is not helping,
’cause right now some people are letting their panic
make them dumb as shit. – The impact of the coronavirus
being felt across the country, now affecting everything
from air travel to schools to what’s on store shelves, or what’s not on store shelves
in some case. Some retailers seeing a run
on many of the basics. – Well, just a crazy scene
at a grocery store where toilet paper
has been in high demand. – Yeah, surveillance
video shows a stampede of customers
clearing the shelves. – Fights over toilet paper breaking out in grocery stores
as shelves run empty. – People, what are you doing? (laughter and applause) I really don’t understand
what people are do– You do not need to panic
over toilet paper. Water, I would
understand, right? Food, medicine, yes, but you can survive
without toilet paper. Don’t forget.
You’re in a bathroom. “Oh, how will I clean my butt
in this room with a shower?” (laughter) Like, I feel like–
I feel like people in first world countries
don’t know what to panic about. Toilet paper?
Are you shitting me? (cheering and applause) Like, what… What’s next? Are people just gonna be
running around Walmart like, “Aah!
Where’s the car wax? Aah!” And maybe it’s because–
it’s because, where I grew up, there were times when
we didn’t have toilet paper. Honestly, when I was a kid,
we didn’t have toilet paper. We always made a plan, right?
You can use newspaper. You just rub it together.
This is a true thing, right? You can use paper towels. Hell, everyone in America
has a dog. Push comes to shove,
you wipe your ass on the dog. Yeah, “Freckles,
get out here!” (laughter and groaning) People are like, “I’d rather
use my hands, Trevor!” Look, man,
just avoid panicking. Because if you panic,
you stop thinking clearly. And if you’re
not thinking clearly, then you’ll start to believe
anything that you hear. And there is a lot of bad
information that is out there. – Well, the spread of
the coronavirus, it’s also led to a lot of spread
of misinformation. – There are more rumors
going around on social media about how to avoid
the coronavirus. Eating garlic,
drinking bleach, snorting cocaine,
yes, and masturbation are not miracle cures
for coronavirus. – Yes. Drinking bleach, snorting cocaine, and masturbating is not the way
to cure corona. It’s the way to kick off
the most rock-and-roll party of your life. That’s what that is.
(cheering and applause) That’s what that is. And I don’t understand how anyone even falls
for any of that. None of those things
gets rid of the coronavirus. Right?
Bleach gets rid of stains. You can’t drink it.
It’s not gonna help you. Garlic gets rid
of vampires, okay? Cocaine gets rid
of your money, that’s it. Like, in a way,
the only thing that makes sense is masturbating, okay? Yeah, it won’t cure you, but if you stay in
and you do that all day, you’ll probably have less
chance of catching the virus. Yeah, you know,
if the CDC really wants people to self-quarantine,
forget the Purell. They should just be
handing out lotion. “Here you go.
Stay home and, uh, social distance yourself.
You know what I mean.” All right,
that’s it for the headlines. Let’s move on
to our top story. (music and cheering) The Democratic primary race
is down to two major candidates, the old man from “Up” and the old Captain America. And because yesterday
was another big day on the path
to the nomination, it’s time to catch up
on the latest developments in our ongoing segment,
“World War D.” (music and cheering) Yesterday, Democrats
in six states went to the polls to cast their votes
and get some coronavirus. And after a strong showing
on Super Tuesday, Biden picked up
right where he left off. – Former Vice President
Joe Biden expanded his lead in the Democratic
presidential race. Biden won in at least four
of the six states which voted yesterday. He took the battleground state
of Michigan by double digits. Biden now leads the race
by 150 delegates, which significantly narrows
any path to victory for Senator Bernie Sanders. – Looking at the math tonight,
I think it’s almost certain that Bernie Sanders does not
have a mathematical, uh, path to becoming
the Democratic nominee. – Let’s shut this puppy down, and let’s move on
and worry about November. This thing is decided.
There’s no reason to keep it going
not even a day longer. – Okay, okay, okay. That talking raisin
needs to calm down. Yes, Joe Biden
had a great night. That doesn’t mean
you have to shut the primary down immediately. This is
the presidential race, not a kissing booth in
the Wuhan province, all right? Because, look,
it is true, it is true that because of last night’s results,
there have already been calls for Bernie Sanders
to step aside and let the slightly younger
generation take over. But let me
tell you something. If you think a little turbulence
is gonna shake Bernie Sanders out of the race,
you need to think again. – Senator Bernie Sanders
earlier today making clear
he has no plans to drop out of the Democratic
presidential contest. – On Sunday,
I very much look forward to the debate in Arizona with my friend Joe Biden. And let me be very frank as to the questions
that I will be asking Joe. Joe, what are you gonna do
about the fact that we have the highest rate
of childhood poverty? What are you gonna do
to end the terror that millions of undocumented
people experience right now? What are you gonna do
to end the absurdity of billionaires
buying elections? Joe, what are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do? (imitating Sanders)
– ♪ What are you gonna
do when they come for you? ♪ ♪ Bad boys, bad boys,
uh, what are you gonna do? ♪ ♪ What are you gonna do? ♪
(applause and cheering) ♪ When they come for you? ♪ (rapping indistinctly) So, yeah, for now, Bernie Sanders is not
dropping out of the race. And what was interesting is
some people were worried that the only reason
Bernie was staying was to burn the party
to the ground. But after today’s speech,
it seems like Bernie wants to push Biden to a more
progressive platform. And I actually think
it’s really nice of Bernie that he’s giving Biden
the questions beforehand. Yeah, you know, he could’ve
made it a surprise, but now, he’s like one of those
cool teachers in school that tells you what’s gonna be
on the test, you know? And you think they’re being
nice, but they just don’t want to see your ass again
if you get held back. That’s why they’re doing it.
“I need you to pass, okay?” So it’s gonna be interesting
to see Bernie putting pressure on Biden in their first
one-on-one debate this Sunday. And I’ll be honest. I think Joe Biden
is ready for the fight. And I say that
because yesterday, a video came out
of Biden going toe-to-toe with a factory worker in
Michigan, and he was fired up. – Earlier in the day touring
an auto plant in Detroit, Biden had a testy exchange
with a voter over gun rights. – All right, thank you, guys. – Goddamn!
(laughter) Wow, I– I can’t believe
Joe Biden got into a fight with that factory worker,
especially considering that he was surrounded
by all of his boys. I mean, yeah, that’s risky. I guess, though, at the same
time, though, Biden knows those guys can’t touch him,
not because of Secret Service, but because
of coronavirus, yeah. No one’s touching anyone.
It’s just like, “Hold me back! “No, seriously hold me back.
Hold me back. “It’s very important
right now “that we maintain
social distancing, all right? “But when we get a vaccine
in 12 to 18 months, “I’m gonna kick your ass! Until then, wash your hands.
You’re mine.” Now after this video
came out, a lot of people,
even some Democrats said that the worst part
of that exchange was Biden telling a voter
that he was full of shit. But what was interesting is
that that factory worker went on Fox News today, and what he had to say
was, uh, really different. – When you looked
at this confrontation, it lasted for a long time. What’s your response
about his use of profanity? – Uh, you know,
I’m-I’m kind of used to it in the– in the workforce. And, uh, as a politician, I can understand
the way how things have gone, you’re not supposed
to use profanity, but in this day and age…
it’s a language. I’m not gonna hate him
for that. And I use it all the time. Most people use it
all the time. (laughter)
– Wow. (applause and cheering) I… I won’t lie, I was
impressed by that, you know? That factory worker
still doesn’t agree with Biden on guns. He wasn’t pretending
to be his friend, but what I liked is that
he wasn’t gonna pretend to be offended
by the profanity. And you could even see
the Fox news anchor wasn’t expecting that answer.
Look at that face. Right? He looks like he was
expecting a surprise party, and instead, he walked in
on his parents having sex. That’s what that face is.
(laughter) And maybe one of the reasons
this guy wasn’t offended was because, whether it’s Trump
or Bernie or Biden, voters seem to like it when politicians talk
like normal people, yeah. And I’ll be honest, I’m hoping
that this straight-talking, “you’re-full-of-shit” Biden
becomes his new thing, yeah. Soon, Joe Biden will just be
walking into diners like, “Hey, asshole,
that’s a good-looking pickle, which is what your mom said
to me last night. Ha ha ha ha! All right,
vote for me, fat ass.” We’ll be right back. – Welcome back to
“The Daily Show.” As you know, March is
Women’s History Month. (cheers and applause)
Yes. Yes. It’s the one month when Mike Pence can’t be
alone with a calendar. And to help us celebrate, we’re joined by our senior
Women’s History correspondent, Dulce Sloan, everybody!
– (whooping) – Dulce.
– Hello! – Happy Women’s History Month.
– Happy? It would be happier
if you got me a gift. – Oh, another one?
I just got you a gift for Black History Month. – Yeah,
because I’m black in February, and in March, I’m a woman.
(laughter) – Oh, no, but that’s not fair. Okay, so then
when do I get a gift? – In April,
’cause you’re a fool. (laughter) Anyway, Trevor,
have you ever wondered why women don’t get the historic
credit they deserve? – Uh, sexism?
– Statues, Trevor. Women don’t have
as many statues as men. In fact, nationwide, only eight percent of outdoor
statues are of women. – Wow. How did you know
that statistic? (laughs)
– I drink Snapple! Nigga, I…
(laughter) Nigga, I read.
What? (laughter) Internet.
Come on, dawg. And I’ve seen it for myself. I was walking through
Central Park the other day– under duress–
and I saw statues of Alexander Hamilton,
Christopher Columbus, William Shakespeare,
all famous men from history. When it comes to women, there’s only two statues
in Central Park– Alice in Wonderland
and Mother Goose. (laughter) Which makes no damn sense! Alice is just a white girl
who took molly. (laughter) And why does Mother Goose
get a statue? All she did
was fuck a goose! (laughter) – I… I don’t think
that’s right. – Fine.
She “made love” to a goose! – No, that’s not–
Okay, anyway, Dulce, I’m lost. How does having
more statues help? – Because, Trevor, statues help
us remember history. When you walk past a statue,
and you’re like, “Oh, yeah,
MLK did have a dream, Thomas Jefferson was
a complicated individual,” and when you don’t honor women
the same way you honor men, you’re leaving them out
of history. – That– That’s true.
That’s true. (cheering and applause) Well– well, at least… at least women have
the Statue of Liberty. That’s one of the most famous
statues in the world. – That doesn’t count. We need statues
of real women, not some giant French bitch
holding an ice cream! (laughter) – No, someone like
Toni Morrison, the first black woman
to win… (cheering and applause) …the Nobel Prize
for Literature. Or someone like
Frances Perkins, the first woman appointed
to a presidential cabinet. (cheering and applause) Or someone like Beyoncé. (cheering and applause) The first woman
to be Beyoncé. (laughter and hooting) Why doesn’t she have
a statue? I mean, she’s already standing
like a statue, she’s ready! – This… this is
actually a great idea. But I hope you understand,
building thousands of statues of women is gonna be
difficult. I mean, statues are expensive. You know,
this is gonna be a project that’s gonna take
a lot of time. – Oh, I’ve already
done it, Trevor. – What? – I’ve designed one statue
to symbolize all women– their power, their beauty,
their mystique! A flawless avatar
of womanhood… (laughter) …that anyone can look at
and see… themselves. – Dulce, that…
that’s a statue of you. (voice breaking)
– Oh, Trevor! I’m touched that you can
see me in that art. – No, it’s literally you.
It has your name on it. And also,
why are you holding a baby? You don’t have kids. – That baby symbolizes
America, okay? Which women have been carrying
for far too long! (cheering and applause) – Okay. – Nah, I’m kidding.
It’s Idris Elba’s baby. (laughter) ‘Cause that’s some history
I want to make. – Dulce Sloan, everybody!
We’ll be right back! – Welcome back
to “The Daily Show.” It’s officially March,
which means it’s time to fill out your bracket
for the big NCAA Tournament. But what if you don’t like
watching basketball? Hmm? Maybe you think
it hurts the ball every time they bounce it
on the floor. Yes, you’re a weirdo,
but still… we have just
the tournament for you. I’d like to introduce
“The Daily Show’s” Trump’s Best Word Bracket. (laughter and applause)
You see… you see, President Trump
has the best words. And how do we know this?
Because he told us. – I know words.
I have the best words. You know, I went
to an Ivy League college. I know a lot of words. I have, like,
this incredible vocabulary. I guarantee I have a vocabulary
better than all of them. Believe it or not, I watch
my words very carefully. There are those that think
I’m a very stable genius. – Yeah.
(laughter and groaning) Yeah. There you go. Trump may be bad
at disease control, immigration, domestic policy,
and literally everything else, but when it comes to words,
he truly is the best. So for March, just for March,
we are hosting a tournament to pick his best, best word. Because, let me tell you, he’s got a lot of them. – In, uh, 1870, President U-licious S. Grant… President Franklin
De-lay-no Roosevelt… He was awarded
the Bronze Star and the Combat Infantroopen
Badge. Heart, lung,
and liver transpants. You’re gonna see
some sta-ticks– suh-tick-six coming out… …by anonommmess… really an anomonissss… You know, we just set
another slock rocket… You saw that, right? The stock market… I hope they now go
and take a look at the oranges, the oranges of the, uh,
uh, investigation. The beginnings. …expectations in the House for the midtowm… and midturn year. …and God bless
the United Shaysh. Thank you very much. – Yeah.
(cheering and applause) I don’t know about you guys,
but I… I’ve never heard better words.
(laughter) That clip makes me proud
to live in the United Shaysh. And I know a lot of–
a lot of what happened there had the haters going,
“Oh, does Trump have dentures? “Was his mouth dry? Did Russia attack
his tongue?” No! Trump just came up
with a better word for the country,
and he used it. Because our president has
the best words. And thank God he does. You see, with so much
uncertainty in the world, the volatility
of the slock rocket, all the negative
climate suh-tick-six, and so many Americans waiting
for organ transpants, it’s comforting to know
that we have a president who comes from a higher place,
unlike the rest of us, who come from humble oranges.
(laughter) And I could play– I could
play clips of Trump all day saying Trumpy words,
but I’m not gonna do that. Okay, I am gonna do that. – Declaring the whole state to be a “stankchuary”
for criminal… Waive all “apliculibulls”
state taxes. Made a “pivittible…” Really, and, I mean,
this was pivotal. A lot of work has been done.
A lot of “renoversh”– If you look at some of it… Shield and shelter
“criminacle…” Look, look, look. “Heroilynn” alone, if you look
at the heroin epidemic. “Veneswaylass…” By “Venezwellzso…” “Venezwhalezz…” As Hurricane “Ermer”
approaches… In April of 20,014… These historic
“accomplimenshayz…” Working to improve this country
and “duurrrr” government. “Enen” they “annouced”
there was no “byesno…” (laughter) See that? Trump is so great at words, he doesn’t even need
to open his mouth to say them. And, by the way,
I want to take a second to congratulate
our graphics department for fitting that word
on the screen. Yeah.
(cheering and applause) Really powerful.
Well done, guys. Three… three of our designers
died in the attempt, but it was worth it. And of course, who can forget the devastation
of Hurricane “Ermer”? So many “herms”
were destroyed. Sorry, guys.
I didn’t mean to be a “bermer.” So, what is Trump’s
best word? Well, there are 64
for you to choose from, and we’ve put them together
in a bracket. All you can do
is pick the best noun, adjective,
or whatever you like. Just go to
DailyShowBracket.com, and there you can watch
every video of the clips and every word, and you let us know which ones
you think are the best. Round one is open now,
so please go and start picking. Because Donald Trump
has done many great things, but the words he gives us
will live on as his most important
“accomplimenshayz.” We’ll be right back. – That’s it for “The Daily
Show: Global Edition.” Before we go, some news
coming out of Australia. An Australian newspaper
has printed a special eight-page insert that can be cut
into toilet paper. And this partly due
to fears of a shortage due to the coronavirus. And I love how they’re acting
like this is their idea when we all know
President Trump has been doing this with newspapers
for years.

100 thoughts on “Coronavirus Fears, Democratic Primaries & Women’s History Month – The Daily Show: Global Edition

  1. When you grab a antibacterial wipe to wipe things you touch you soon realize how much you actually touch and won't be able to keep up.

  2. talking about kissing dogs? is that all you have? ass hole. good thing he got cancelled and isn't coming to tulsa.

  3. Comedians are the best teacher cause theyl teach us so much important stuff about bad news in a more funnier way.

  4. This masturbating and kakoine stuff can only male idiots think about to be safe for coronavirus..so stupid.
    Mens cant mostly think. They got gifted with muscles and womens with brain in general. Trevor is just unique. Unfortunately. But then let some smarter girls lead about social problems.. trump will be no help.

  5. When did Women carry America? During the world war? During the industrial revolution? During the great Depressiong? During the vietnam war? When?

  6. I have a huge crush on Trevor. If he makes an app where he fake texts me, i'd pay for it so i can tell him i love him 🤩

  7. I would imagine a bunch of 90 year olds with cancer fighting over toilet paper, but not a bunch of healthy 20-30 year olds!

  8. I actually needed toilet paper bought a jumbo pack , now I need to know how much to eat ? And should it be taken with water ?

  9. Hey Trevor- actually the worst part of that bleach recommendation is that ingestion of bleach causes acute liver death ( acute hepatic necrosis)

  10. I mean why would Bernie drop out this year is his last chance. Anyhow so why not follow his heart and hang in there he has no reason to play nice.

  11. Do wonder how long has the Daily Show been
    using laugh tracks, in place of an actual audience?
    They sound really good, must have dozens of samples.

  12. Disrespectful to the President of the US and his wife. If this show was aired in the past century, you'd be fired.

  13. When T r ump says a word with no meaning, he himself stops to wonder what the hell the real world would be. Alzheimer?

  14. I fell in love with trevor when he laughed about his own dog-toilet paper joke

    Call meeee 🥴🤣🤣♥️

  15. 9 days, not 3 thats the new flu. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD2-QVBQi48RRQTD4Jhxu8w check with peak prosperity, he's very knowledgable on this situation. trevor i know your smart, check out his research.

  16. pls watch my video on real FACTS from real SCIENCE on CoVID-19 that everyone MUST KNOW!
    » https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL4lLNKbnlU&t=1234s

  17. I'm confused, I heard scientists saying, that the virus only survives for some hours on surfaces, now he talks about "some days". Which really sounds completely wrong to me. What surface is that? A Petri dish?

  18. This guy just isn't funny. I never watched this show on YT and now I can see why. His jokes just fall flat. That has to be a laugh track in the background…

  19. 3:40 classic worldstar shit. Ratchets fighting over butt paper. Basically broadcasting to the world how big your shits are. Also, while these cunts are fighting for toilet paper they are completely forgetting that they are putting their nasty paws all over each other, huffing and puffing and spiddling all over each other. You'll have an extra roll of tp to add to your coronavirus infection.

  20. Studies show the virus dies at 56C ……. but the MSM is not talking about this . Google the scientific paper.

  21. If you dont know car wax from toilet paper….well, that might explain some things. But seriously. You CANNOT live without toilet paper. No. You cant live without food or water. And you cannot live without toilet paper. It is not possible. I know….history…..but I think they had toilet paper…from another….planet….or….something. Because you cant live without toilet paper. Best invention ever.

  22. Covid 19…dang, you know stuffs gotten real bad when people other then scientists and grammar Nazis use the actual name of a thing.

  23. In all this, the positive aspect is that the average American has been forced to learn to perform basic hygiene – hand wash.

  24. Any doctor who sees my browsing history is most likely to just say something along the lines of, "Oy, Lewis, get a girlfriend!"

  25. Boy, now. Australia's in a tough spot. They were in the middle of a historically bad fire season, and then they were hit by Coronavirus.

  26. I wish Bernie would burn the Democratic Party down. It’s such a bullshit party, just Republic-lite. America has missed their time to move forward.

  27. Having ur friends read the prompters with really bad acting is probably my favorite part or the show sometimes 😂 look at this camera.. read, but pretend like we’re having a conversation.. but don’t look at me or near me.. like what 😂

  28. I guess we should all listen to you since you know it all i'm thinking you should be our new President..NOT sorry dude Obama is not president no more get over it all he did was legalize gay marriage what a great deed NOT and Hillary Clinton will never be our president sorry to tell ya my dude

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