I’m Samantha Bee, and I’m in the woods
right now! Both metaphorically and literally. To help prevent the spread of COVID-19, I
am now shooting the show with a safe, minimal crew of my husband and the creatures of the
forest! Oh! Who’s this? Hello, little bluebird! How are you?
– I’m a hallucination brought on by you isolating yourself!
Okay! As surreal as it still seems, the coronavirus
has changed how most of us live our lives. With millions in isolation and hundreds of
thousands infected, now is the time to put our differences aside and come together. Like,
not come together like these idiots. – Thousands of students who made their annual
pilgrimage to Florida for spring break are having celebrations interrupted.
– I think they’re blowing it way out of proportion. I think it’s doing way too much.
– If I get corona, I get corona. At the end of the day, I’m not gonna let it stop me
from partying. That’s right. If spring breakers get corona,
they’re gonna get corona. Oh, and they got corona. Florida, don’t be like this! Even
an alligator riding a lawnmower the wrong way down the interstate was like, “Get inside,
assholes!” Believe it or not, that’s Florida’s governor, David P. Alligator. He issued an
executive order to see you later, alligator. While America’s least wanted is hitting the
beach, the economy is getting slammed. Local news around the country has been showing empty
restaurants, bars, hotels, and stores that have either closed or seen a massive plummet
in business. The National Restaurant Association said U.S. restaurants could suffer a loss
of 225 billion dollars in the next three months. That’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs!
Put them together and that equals one normal-sized Bloomberg. And it’s not just restaurants.
Every part of the service industry is suffering. Here’s how one New York City dry cleaner has
been affected. – Our landlord still wants the rent paid,
our taxes paid. Con Edison wants the utilities paid. If nothing’s coming in, where am I
gonna get the money from to pay employees? So many of our clients are white-collar workers.
They are working remotely. And unfortunately, when you work remotely, you’re not cleaning
your clothes. New Yorkers, I know you’re all shitting
your pants in fear right now. Send your pants to her! Save her business! Unfortunately,
if your job isn’t considered essential or if you’re one of the 70% of people who can’t
work remotely, there’s a good chance you’re not working at all. And if you are working
remotely, there’s a 50% chance you’ve accidentally shown your coworkers what you look like on
the toilet. Even if you can go back to the office eventually, you really shouldn’t.
Meanwhile, concerts, conventions, and music festivals have all been delayed or canceled,
leaving thousands of artists, performers, technicians, cleaning staffs, vendors, and
more without the seasonal income they depend on for the rest of the year. Thank god Lilith
Fair doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t think my heart could take it. I mean, I didn’t just
go. I was Lilith Fair. The fact is pretty much every industry that employs the working
class is collapsing— except, I guess, pornography and beans. Which is why I’ve just released
my own line of bean-themed pornography. It’s gross. The catch-22 is that if you’re not
out of work, there’s a good chance you’re being pressured to keep working in dangerous
conditions. Last week, Amazon discovered a case of coronavirus at a New York warehouse.
And while they are being generous enough to offer a whole extra two dollars an hour for
working during a plague, they’ll only give workers paid time off if they’re under mandated
quarantine or if they test positive. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but those tests are
kinda hard to come by right now. You have to be like 25% famous to get tested. It’s
the new getting verified on Twitter. And if you do test positive and you’re one of the
more than 27 million Americans without health insurance, you could be on the hook for treatment
costing up to $100,000. And I don’t mean the good 100 Grand!
– Ugh, this is why women shouldn’t try comedy. Dammit, I miss the 30- to 50-year-old white
women who used to come to my show. Even when companies such as McDonald’s say
they’re offering employees paid sick leave during the crisis, I mean, they kind of aren’t.
– I’ve worked at McDonald’s for over 10 years. There are over 500,000 McDonald’s workers
just like me that have to go to work whether sick or well because we have no paid sick
leave. Last week, McDonald’s did roll out a coronavirus plan, stating that anybody that’s
quarantined will be paid. But you guys, don’t be fooled. That’s only for corporate-owned
McDonald’s. But 95% of McDonald’s are franchise stores—including my store. So that does
not benefit us whatsoever. 95% of stores won’t have paid sick leave if
their employees get the coronavirus. So I’d like to congratulate Trump’s new Secretary
of Labor: Mayor McCheese. Also, R.I.P. Trump ate him. And now that schools are closing,
working class parents have it even harder. Nearly 55 million students have been affected
by closures, and some areas are considering keeping schools closed through the summer.
This means parents with zero teaching experience now have to homeschool, even as Disney implements
its emergency plan to inject Frozen 2 directly into their kids’ veins. For some parents,
school closures mean having to choose between keeping their job so they can feed their kids
or quitting their job so they can stay home to take care of them. I guess there is a third
option: making every day Bring Your Kid to Work Day. It’s important to remember not every
family can afford remote learning and many low-income households with school-age children
don’t have broadband internet access. That’s a lot of kids going without education and
Animal Crossing. Both are probably that asshole Tom Nook’s fault. It’s also worth mentioning
that everything I’ve talked about tonight disproportionately impacts people of color,
because of course it does. Thanks systemic racism! A lot of people have lost their income.
But on a personal level, there are things that you can do to help out. Buy gift cards
to local businesses and restaurants. And if you do order delivery, tip! More than usual.
Tip them, as Mark Twain once said, like everybody is watching. But more than that, we need large-scale
government intervention. As of this taping, Congress is debating a two-trillion-dollar
stimulus package. Democrats have fought hard against original versions of the bill, which
failed to include enough aid for unemployed Americans, but did include a 500-billion-dollar
slush fund that Trump had clearly hoped would help cruise ship and hotel companies. The
only ship that should be helped right now is that scary ass hospital boat. It’s called
the U.S.N.S. Comfort, yet there is nothing comforting about it. Listen, I’m glad they’re
using it, but please don’t make me go on that boat! Look at it! That boat is 100% haunted
now. On the bright side, people are optimistic the new package will both pass and include
direct cash payments to individuals. It’s a way to help Americans while also giving
Andrew Yang a fire-hydrant-level wet dream. Shh. Don’t wake him. He’s stuck to the
bed. This is a scary as shit time. Hospitals are already overwhelmed, but the president
is signaling it’ll be safe to re-open businesses in weeks, not months. I guess he doesn’t
want to miss spending spring break with—let’s be honest—probably the next governor of
Florida. Every decision the president makes puts us in more danger than the one before.
We are going to lose people we love, and we won’t even be able to have funerals to mourn
them. And he is responsible. We would be much better if he just hid in his house and did
nothing like we’re all being asked to do. Instead now, we have all become Dr. Fauci
at that press conference. He was so mad he touched his face!
We need the government to stop bailing out big business and start bailing out the Americans
who need it. And we need to stop treating the working class like their lives matter
less than CEOs. In short, we need to start treating people like people. Well, not every