James May’s sex-life as told by Jeremy Clarkson

Why have I got a vision of James May smearing himself in marmalade? Oh my God! Do you think James is getting lonely up there? He’ll love it. I bet – ten million pounds says he’s fantasising about being a lone skipper of some rain-weather-battered trawler out on the North Sea. No, I mean, yeah, lone skipper but with
just one quite attractive man in the galley. Help is at hand with this special, light-weight carbonfibre-ended shoe horn. They put carbonfibre on a shoe horn? Yes. It’s very light. It is. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen…you can put that in your dungeon James, I just thought of that. James was suspiciously skilful with the Vaseline and the condoms. [text message alert] …it takes actually the best part of a year to replace all the pictures that are nicked by the audience when they’re here. …What? “James, see you at the transport café later – bring the Bovril”? Yeah. Eurgh. My guest tonight once sang about a “semi by the sea”. And funnily enough James May once had a similar experience when a dreadnought sailed by. Honestly, things I’d rather do than drive one of those include presenting next week’s show while gently cupping James’ scrotum. And we’re off the air in Korea! Goodbye industrious little fellows! Agh, give me a minute, I’m going to have trouble shifting that vision now. /You’re/ going to have trouble shifting it?! Eventually I bought a present for James. The Star in the Reasonably-Priced Car tonight once said that she and her husband set their alarm clock an hour early every morning, so they had chance to make love before going to work. Much like James May, although of course he lives alone. It was like being inside James May. Should diesel be like, black? Or should it just be beige? I think corduroy. An actual corduroy pump? Yeah. Well I hate to point something out, mate, but… Unfortunately, when James says corduroy his penis swells up and we have to wait while… James… Yes, I know, I know. You know, I’ve speculated many, many, many times over the years on what sort of a man appears as a model, in leather. Yep. You’ve let the motorcycling side down. James has wanted to come in Jezza for a long time I would, because everyone on a bike with that leather arse…. “Look at that, look at my bottom!” “I’ve got a zig-zag blue thing on the front of my suit.” You’ve got mechanic’s butt-cheek, do you know that? What don’t you like about that? I don’t actually like it very much, I’m just interested to know what you don’t like about it. I’m not. It’s got no arse. Neither have you any more, you’ve lost quite a bit of weight, haven’t you, since the last series. I was hoping you’d notice, actually.
Look at that… That’s not your arse, that’s your stomach! I lost so much they could have made another
him out of what I’ve lost.

100 thoughts on “James May’s sex-life as told by Jeremy Clarkson

  1. Jeremy:Things i'd rather do than drive that includes presenting next weeks show whilst gently cupping James's scrotum
    James:*Sits back and crosses legs*

  2. Too bad that Vaseline is useless as lube. It’s like trying to fuck with a halfway molten candle between the pointed thing and the hole.

  3. On a side note, what's that blue car on the screen in the last clip? I kinde like its rear end (even though it's no-existent apparently)

  4. You forgot one rather brilliant one: Season 12 Episode 2, when during the news, they talked about the new Renault Megane R26R.

  5. At this point in his life, not to be married, and all these jokes, and just watch Oz and James and his other work I would say he is gay and Sarah frater is a beard. They are rarely seen in public together and do not live together so yeah. He should just come out at this point or have some kids and get married.

  6. 1:33 "Good bye you industrious little fellows" Well if you weren't off air before that, you certainly were after xD

  7. Apparently May was a virgin when he first joined TopGear, with that being said I have no idea how any woman can be attracted to Clarkson apart from his wealth.

  8. Teresa May's sex life must be terrible the way she sits on the back benches looking like her husband suffers premature rjaculation. Not even her ludicrously high income and future pension can make her smile.

  9. This edit just makes Clarkson look like he has a dark sexual obsession with May, which is sort of hilarious

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *