Why have I got a vision of James May smearing himself in marmalade? Oh my God! Do you think James is getting lonely up there? He’ll love it. I bet – ten million pounds says he’s fantasising about being a lone skipper of some rain-weather-battered trawler out on the North Sea. No, I mean, yeah, lone skipper but with
just one quite attractive man in the galley. Help is at hand with this special, light-weight carbonfibre-ended shoe horn. They put carbonfibre on a shoe horn? Yes. It’s very light. It is. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen…you can put that in your dungeon James, I just thought of that. James was suspiciously skilful with the Vaseline and the condoms. [text message alert] …it takes actually the best part of a year to replace all the pictures that are nicked by the audience when they’re here. …What? “James, see you at the transport café later – bring the Bovril”? Yeah. Eurgh. My guest tonight once sang about a “semi by the sea”. And funnily enough James May once had a similar experience when a dreadnought sailed by. Honestly, things I’d rather do than drive one of those include presenting next week’s show while gently cupping James’ scrotum. And we’re off the air in Korea! Goodbye industrious little fellows! Agh, give me a minute, I’m going to have trouble shifting that vision now. /You’re/ going to have trouble shifting it?! Eventually I bought a present for James. The Star in the Reasonably-Priced Car tonight once said that she and her husband set their alarm clock an hour early every morning, so they had chance to make love before going to work. Much like James May, although of course he lives alone. It was like being inside James May. Should diesel be like, black? Or should it just be beige? I think corduroy. An actual corduroy pump? Yeah. Well I hate to point something out, mate, but… Unfortunately, when James says corduroy his penis swells up and we have to wait while… James… Yes, I know, I know. You know, I’ve speculated many, many, many times over the years on what sort of a man appears as a model, in leather. Yep. You’ve let the motorcycling side down. James has wanted to come in Jezza for a long time I would, because everyone on a bike with that leather arse…. “Look at that, look at my bottom!” “I’ve got a zig-zag blue thing on the front of my suit.” You’ve got mechanic’s butt-cheek, do you know that? What don’t you like about that? I don’t actually like it very much, I’m just interested to know what you don’t like about it. I’m not. It’s got no arse. Neither have you any more, you’ve lost quite a bit of weight, haven’t you, since the last series. I was hoping you’d notice, actually.
Look at that… That’s not your arse, that’s your stomach! I lost so much they could have made another
him out of what I’ve lost.