Happy roast, everyone. Happy roast. What a crowd! Here I am again following
fucking De Niro. Great job, Aging Bull. I learned something tonight. Alec is the name you give
your son if you want him to grow up and be an asshole. Caitlyn, you were
fucking awesome tonight. I just wanna say that. You were really awesome
tonight. But I wouldn’t fuck you
with Bruce Jenner’s dick. Remember when your picture
was on Wheaties boxes back when people could still
look at you when they eat? How about a hand
for our guest of honor, Mr. Alec “Bobblehead” Baldwin? [cheers and applause] Alec is actually my neighbor
in Greenwich Village, which was a pretty safe
neighborhood until you fucking moved in. You’re a big star. I watched you get arrested
for punching a guy over a parking spot. Next time, valet your car and help your
brother’s business. Help a brother out, Alec! I’m speaking as a big fan.
I love all your movies, Alec. I loved you in “The Departed,” which is also what Caitlyn
calls her penis. And of course, Alec,
you got your Oscar nomination for “The Cooler,” which is where Caitlyn
keeps her penis. And of course,
your first big break was “The Hunt for Red October,” which is what Caitlyn
calls her vagina. Alec, I first saw you
in the movie “Pearl Harbor,” which was worse than
the actual Pearl Harbor. Halfway through, I was rooting
for the Japanese. Any fans of Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump impression
here tonight? [cheers and applause]
Okay. Okay. What a lot of people
don’t realize is that for the last three years, Donald Trump is actually doing
an Alec Baldwin impression. He calls people names,
he yells at the press, he married an immigrant
half his age. The only difference is that
Trump calls his daughter a fox, not a pig. Here’s to you, Ireland. Great job, Ireland.
You didn’t oink once. What a babe.
I love that movie. Bob, this is nothing for you.
You’ve seen it all. Robert De Niro’s
been around so long, he was God’s father.