Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: The First Black Astronaut, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Candle

[ Theme song plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Hey, everybody. That was Fred Armisen
and The 8G Band. So many thanks to Syd Butler,
Seth Jabour, Eli Janney, and Marnie Stern who are all
in their own homes, but figured out a way
to play the theme song for us. This is our second day
of doing remote shows. We’re working out the kinks,
you guys. We can appreciate that the sound
and video can be a little bit better, and we are taking steps
to improve that. Also, lighting, too, but that —
we got to fix that light. That’s the sun, see? I can’t lean in. So I’m back here. Also, shout out to YouTubers
who have been doing this for a long time and making us
feel like real dopes this week. [ Chuckles ]
I tip my hat. So, anyways, we’re going to have
“A Closer Look” for you tomorrow,
but we wanted to do more of our other
favorite things on the show. And here’s the premise,
you guys — We do a lot of jokes on our show
that due to having a diverse writing staff,
some of them don’t sound right coming from me,
a straight white man. We decided that we should still
tell you some of those jokes, which brings us to a segment
we call, “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” ♪♪ Hey, everybody.
These are two of our writers. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women.
-And I’m not. So here’s how it works. I’m gonna read the setups
to these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. All right, everybody.
Are you ready? Here we go. First setup, the footwear
company Crocs is working
with the makers of marshmallow Peeps to release clogs
in pastel colors. -Said lesbians,
“You had me at clogs, but you lost me at pastel.” -There you go.
That’s how this works. Moving on,
the Smithsonian Channel recently released a documentary
called, “Black in Space” about
the first black astronaut. -Said the astronaut, “I did it. I finally got away
from all these white people.” Hey, Seth, you know,
a black astronaut is just like a white astronaut,
except his boots are spotless. -All right.
I will take your word for it. Moving on,
the cosmetics chain Sephora will open 100 new stores. -“That’s where I buy my makeup,”
said lesbians about Walgreens. -All right. And that’s good news
for lesbians, ’cause Walgreens is probably
still open during the pandemic. -Probably one of the few places. -Hey, Jenny, what does it look
like when lesbians wear makeup? -Looks kind of like this.
-Oh, are you pointing at me? -No. No.
-It looks like this. -All right. All right.
I’m moving on now. So far in the Democratic
primary, former Vice President Joe Biden has won 86% of
the African-American vote. -That’s right. Black people
have given Joe Biden a resounding [sigh] Okay. -Hey, Amber, how are you gonna
vote on election day? -The same way all
black people vote — I’m gonna call in sick, drive 50 miles
to my nearest polling place, have a lady tell me my name
is not on the list, insist that it is, show her
my voter registration card, shut her up,
stand in line for seven hours, and then vote for someone
who may or may not keep their promises
to black people. That’s democracy! -That was beautiful, Amber.
That was really beautiful. -Thank you. So am I. -An animal rescue group
in South Carolina is seeking volunteers
to cuddle with 100 pigs. -“I love cuddling with pigs,”
said straight women. -[ Gasps ] Jenny!
How dare you! My husband is a pig!
-[ Chuckles ] -He’s one of the good ones. -Hey, um, let’s let people
behind the scenes for a minute for “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” Do you guys want to explain
what we call it when there is a volley
of dialogue after the jokes? -Amber,
I think you should say it. -You think?
Well, we have the regular jokes, and then anything
we say in between, we call them
the black and forths. -The black and forths.
The black and forths. -All right, let’s move
on to another joke. The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was
pulled over by police recently. -They figured a wiener
that big had to be black. -Amber! -You know what the police said
when they saw him? Look out, he’s got a bun! -Okay, that one, that was
the dumbest part of this. Hey, a right-wing radio host
last week blamed gay people for San Francisco’s
coronavirus shutdown. -Officials are calling it
not the worst thing gay people have been blamed for. -Yep. That one’s very true. According to a new report,
more Americans are watching
the adult website PornHub as they practice
social distancing. -So, please, wash your hands. -[ Chuckles ] Gwyneth Paltrow’s website
is selling a candle that she claims smells
like her vagina. -Said a lesbian coming home
to her wife, [ Sniffing ]
“Are you cheating on me?” -[ Laughs ] I do want to note
that some of these are playing exactly as well
as they would with an audience. [ Laughter ] -Oh, here’s one. Everybody’s gonna like this one.
-Oh, yeah. -Supreme Court Justice
Brett Kavanaugh has made the court’s cafeteria
add pizza to the menu, which has been described
as “just below Pizza Hut, and just above the average
gas station offering.” -Well, you know what they say —
pizza is like sex. Even when it’s bad,
Brett Kavanaugh will still try
to force it on you. -[ Chuckles ] -Hey, Seth,
why don’t you tell one? -Oh, I don’t know, guys. -Come on, Seth, just one. -I feel like it’s not
gonna end well. -Do it! Do it!
-Okay, okay, I trust you guys. You wouldn’t lie to me
during a pandemic. The Cheesecake Factory
is coming out with a new ice cream flavor
made with their cheesecake. So if you want cheesecake
and you want ice cream, you’re probably on your period. -[ Gasps ] Seth!
-[ Whimpering ] I’ll do another one.
-Okay. -A man in Massachusetts
was arrested after meeting a woman on a dating app and then forcing her
to drive the getaway car after he robbed a bank
on their first date. But she’s over 30, so she’s
gonna try to make it work. -How dare you?! -You both told me that
it would be okay! -You should be
ashamed of yourself. -I am not ashamed of myself, but I tell you one thing
that I know to be true — Black women
and lesbians are liars! ♪♪ Hey, guys, give it up
for Amber and Jenny. Give it up for all of our staff who are making this all work
remotely. And thank you so much
for being patient with us as we work out the kinks. And, yeah,
we will see you tomorrow with another “A Closer Look.”
Thank you all for watching.

100 thoughts on “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: The First Black Astronaut, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Candle

  1. Even the youtubers are in quarantine for their stuff, the other channel markiplier does Unus Anus has them doing basically this since they cant leave home.

  2. That joke about the getaway driver! That's my hometown!
    We're famous!
    North Attleborough is finally famous!

  3. You three are so funny. I loved Amber's bun joke made me laugh out loud, but you all three did. I am enjoying these remote segments, you all are doing a great job. I appreciate you all and your band Serh with dancing adorable boy & girl in the background. Keep up the great job. Stay safe and healthy you all.

  4. "I am black", "and I am gay", "and we are both women, and we actually know how to set up a microphone properly." 😀

  5. With all these talk show hosts doing the show on webcams we might actually get a decent YouTube Rewind this year.
    Okay probably not but still I'm hopeful

  6. Watching from the Philippines. Thank you for making me laugh during these crazy and frustrating times.

  7. How the hell did a professional show not provide AT LEAST their main host a half decent mic to record the show??

  8. I love how amber and Jenny have perfect camera and audio and then seth is just there echoing from four feet away from the camera

  9. Pro tip. Try using a voice recorder app on your phone and then send the audio files to the editors to sync to the video. You're not streaming the show live so you can record the audio at a higher quality than you use for video chat. Modern phones can record very good audio. We just don't normally realize it, because it's compressed into low bitrate voice or video streams.

  10. Seth you couldn’t have grabbed a microphone from the studio before you left? Or Maybe order a USB mic on amazon from Home?? The audio is so bad I can’t even watch 🙁

  11. These are always my absolute favorite segments of the show. I have a big grin on my face the entire time, even bigger when they consistently end the same way.

  12. The other shows-tear out of the gate ready to jump on that late night need for company

    Seth and Company-takes time yo set up the band (complete with dancers,) compliments youtubers for making this look easy, then does the best segment ever (Overall it landed better than most other stuff ‘the other guys’ have been doing 💜)

    Somehow Amber bouncing the laptop just makes her more endearing! This was also super Brady Bunch. Do it again!

  13. Love this segment. I live for the moment of Seth's pain at the betrayal by his black and gay women friends. Jenny and Amber are among the best things about the show. Hope you guys are keeping well.

  14. I didn't realise depend so much on audience laugh to laugh myself.
    I am smiling like wide smile but no laughs.
    Hopefully soon you all will be bitching about Corona in setup full of corona free audience (in a corona free world obviously).

  15. Lol ok did you guys read these jokes before hand? Man without Wally this show is gonna struggle haha. y'all are great thanks for still bringing laughs to us.

  16. by the time the pandemic is over, they will have worked out the kinks and permanently switch over to twitch where the live audience wont laugh over their jokes

  17. Thank you for providing these videos. I’m glad Seth moves to the library so much better than the hallway haha

  18. Hahahha it was like a delicious panini stuffed with cheesiness and a side of cringe but I’m here for it! 🙌🏻❤️😂🤣🙌🏻👍🏻

  19. Ouch I can’t im sorry seth and co but send this guy at least a decent mic. I can put up with bad video but bad audio just makes my head hurt.

  20. 😂😂😂Great job, everyone! Trying new technologies to keep us laughing. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

  21. A resounding "ok". Screaming and choking with laughter. Then she breaks our hearts describing voting for American Black people. Glad I was alone watching that – I'd have had trouble meeting my friends' eyes.

  22. Seth, a hallway has terrible acoustics for talking, muffle your echo with a blanket or towel behind you, come on man YouTuber 101 here.

  23. I love you guys, but this isn’t working. Just talk like you’re having a normal conversation. It’s weird when you guys play characters on here. Don’t be afraid to go off script. Just enjoy the chaos

  24. I think having to conference call comedy bits makes them funnier. Until I remember why you're doing it. Oh well. Still a pretty funny bit.

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