(Basifuk) I finally changed my phone number. Nobody is bothering me anymore. Now, to respond to these last few messages… (answering machine) Tuesday, 11:11 PM. (caller) You motherfucking fuckering fuck fucker, what the fuck have you fuckin’ been fuckin’ takin’ so fuckin’ long to fuckin’ answer my fuckin’ phone you fuck? Fuckin’ come the fuck down to my fuckin’ fuck fuck motherfuckin’ place you fucker! Fuck, I’m fuckin’ strong, I’ll fuckin’ fuckin’ beat you fuckin’ down any fuckin’ day of the fuckin’ Monday you fucking fuck! Fucking fuck you, you fuckering fucker fuck fuck! (Basifuk) Oh yeah, just the same crackhead that likes to say “fuck” every other word. Nothing to see here! (machine) Tuesday, 11:12 PM. (caller) Well, hello there! Yesterday, I got a new computer from my mum! And it has a 3dfx graphics card in it. But I have a big problem with it… Quake 1 doesn’t run properly. It always says something about DirectX 7 or whatever it is called, I don’t know… May you help me? i did not crack the game i swear :3 (Basifuk) Well dude, if you can’t figure out what specific error you got, you got played just like the rest of the fools who bought a Packard Bell without ever figuring out what they were going to use it for. “The PC is mandatory! Buy now! Buy now!” I suppose if we’re talking 3dfx here, though, perhaps you have at least SOME decent knowledge of computers… …maybe? Uh… I don’t remember hearing anything about the existence of DirectX 7, though… I think you’re bluffing. You don’t really have a Voodoo in your computer! I promise you, your computer will be one of the first ten to get hit by DEATH IBEX once I finish it… …and let it loose on the internet… …hopefully by next year. (machine) Tuesday- Tuesday 11:12- Tuesday 11:50 PM. (caller) Hello, Basifuk. What is DEATH IBEX? And who is the Eternal King of Soy? What person is he like? And, about the computer… why does the computer connect to the internet so slowly? Can you fix this problem? Finally, glory to the eternal king of soy. (busy tone) (Basifuk) First off, DO NOT give glory to the Eternal King of Soy! He’s an evil bastard, and so is his cult. They’re notorious for sacrificing cetaceans to the Eternal King of Soy. If that’s not degenerate, nothing is. DEATH IBEX is a computer virus I’m working on that will surely put a stop to them, as I’ve stated many times previously. Nobody can fix a slow internet connection. Connecting to the internet over the phone line is pathetically slow, and I guess we’ll just have to wait many more years before we can be liberated from this dial-up hell. I guess you could try enabling compression or some shit, but other than that, I can’t help you. (machine) Tues- Tues- Tuesday- Wednesday 3:05 AM. (caller) HELLO [email protected]:[email protected] (CORRUPTED AUDIO!#*(@(ue() (Basifuk) What happened here? ARE YOU TRYING TO CALL ME WHILE CONNECTING TO THE INTERNET? PLEASE GO AMERICA OFFLINE, I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU! (caller?!) Glory to the Eter– (SOMEONE ELSE?!!#) ALLAH AKBAR!!! Uh… “aha bar babar”??? Is this some kind of an inside joke? A wise man who is absolutely the objective master of comedy once said “inside jokes are never funny, they are always pretentious and they spit in the faces of those who work hard to write intelligent humor”. (machine) Tuesday 11- Tue- Tuesda- Wednesday 3:0- Wednesday 7:15 AM. (caller) Hello, yeah, is this Basilfuk? Is anybody there? Is this an answering machine? I thought the beep meant you picked up. This isn’t- this- this is… just a machine? I really wanted to talk to you in person, I have an important question. Please pick up, I don’t like talking to machines… AaaahhhhuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHhhuh So I’m playing this game, right? This game, uh… Minesweeper. Minesweeper. My buddy showed me this, and I can’t remember how to do it… …but there’s a way to make it so that all the ones that aren’t flagged around the number can get clicked at once, and I’ve tried absolutely everything, and I keep blowing myself up. This is very important. Alright, please get back to me. (Basifuk) Click middle mouse button or both left and right mouse buttons. Thank you and goodbye Bezel-Man. (machine) Tuesday 11:11 PM. T- T- W- W- Wednesday 7:19 AM. (music playing) (caller) Bwahahaa! Hello. Am 14 year old MAN from Somalia. (Basifuk) Somalia?
(caller) Sorry for my bad England. (caller) I selled my wife… for internet connection… for play DOOM. And I want to become the GOODEST player like you. I play with 400 ping on Ethiopia server, and I am very good admin. Please help me, Basifuk. I have problem with 33K modem. It makes weird sound. I don’ know why. Basifuk… I LOVE you. (Basifuk) Uh… to get rid of the torture screams, assuming that’s what you’re pointing at, either adjust the volume ring on your modem or go into your modem properties and set the volume to off. I’ll make sure to avoid your Doom server at all costs. (machine) Tuesday el- Tuesda- Tues- Wed- Wednes- Wednesday- Wednesday 9:06 AM. (caller) Whazzup, mate? Somebody’s been tellin’ me you’ve been lookin’ for that hookup, mane! I’ve got what you lookin’ for and I’mma hook you up properly, mane! Okay? You know what I’m sayin’? Do you know what I’m saaaaaayiiiiiiin’??? I’ve got that fun dip, Chex mix, cheese dip, gold fish, fudge sticks… …and I’ve got that delicious pie! Yeah, you know that raspberry delightfulness? I’ll fully lift it from my bestest of pies, okay, you read me? This is all code for the code, you know what I mean? I know this line is as clean as this hardware I’ve gots to offer, and I done picked it up when it was REAL dirty! You know Goldilocks? Yeah, and them those big black bears? Well, I’m ol’ Papa Bear Christmas, and I can give it to you any way! We ain’t just talkin’ hardware, I don’t discriminate! I got soft, medium and that just right where yo lookin’ fo, and I WILL hook you up properly! I am well connected, and you don’t have to worry about a thang, my chicken wangdang brotha! I will hook you up properly. You just give me a call, brotha. (Basifuk) Uh… who told you I was looking for a hookup, and why are you being so cryptic? What you appear to be describing sounds like a very bad idea. A very dangerous idea, I might add. (machine) Tues- Tu- T- We- Wed- We- Wednesday- Wednesday 11:39 AM. (caller) HELLO, VALUED CUSTOMER!!! THIS IS THE ELECTRODELIVER STAFF!!! WE ARE CALLING FOR NOTIFYING YOU ABOUT YOU NOW BEING FUCKIN’ BANNED DUE TO GROSS VIOLATION!!! of MANDATORY TERMS!!! YOU HAVE INSULTED US WHILE TALKING TO OTHER INTERNET USERS! FUCK YOU, YOU ARE BANNED FROM ALL ISPS NOW!!! WE HATE Y- *coughing* (Basifuk) Fuck! I could never stand those assholes either way. ElectroDeliver is bad customer service on steroids. Maybe now’s the time to get broadband? I wonder if it’s affordable yet, assuming it’s even available in Atlantis, New Jersey. (machine) Tuesda- T- T- W- We- W- W- Wed- Wednesday 2:02 PM. (caller) What’s your opinion on the extremely new ATI Rage 128 Ultra video adapter (caller) with a whopping 16MB of video memory and what processor
(Basifuk) Stop hiding behind text to speech and then ask your questions. (machine) Wednesday 2:08 PM. (caller, different voice) What’s your opinion on the extremely new ATI Rage (caller) 128 Ultra video adapter with a whopping
(Basifuk) …what the fuck, the same questions? Who is this guy? (caller) 16MB of video memory and what processor does your laptop have?
(Basifuk) Is this what it’s come down to, just getting the computer to do the prank calling for you?! (machine) Wednesday 2:09 PM. (caller, another different voice) What’s your opinion on the extremely new ATI Rage 128 (Basifuk) OKAY FINE! Answers to questions! One, I’m not interested in anything that’s not 3dfx, two, I’m still stuck with my 286 laptop from 1986 but my servant has been using a Pentium laptop for three years now. I should get a new laptop myself… (machine) Tuesday- Tue- Tue- Wed- Wed- Wed- Wed- W- We- We- We- Wednesday 4:17 PM. Hey, hey!! Is… is that really you, Basifuk?! HI!!! Hey, I’m your biggest fan!!! I’m everything you want me to be! I’m a whale supremacist, I prank call Jeff Quake’s radio show every day, and I infected my computer with a test version of DEATH IBE- *coughing!!!* Please, this is my first time calling!!! Ah, uh, Basifuk, pleeeeease heeeelp!!! I just want to know how to, uh… how to… get back the old file explorer in Windows 98?!! Aheheheeheh! aPLLEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEE– (machine) Wednesday 5:06 PM. (caller) Hel- hello? Hi… I- I just have some questions about my computer… my- my Windows 95 installation has been running VERY slowly lately. I- I don’t know what’s going on. I- I would appreciate- your help so much. Thank you… (machine) Wednesday 7:30– (beep) (Basifuk) Your Windows 95 installation is running slowly because you have chocolate and nicotine all over the motherboard. Clean that filth out right now, and stop asking me vague questions. (machine) Tues- T- Tu- We- W- W- We- We- W- We- W- We- We- Wednesday 7:39 PM. (caller) *smack* hello ? hey uhhhh i wuz wonderin uuhh how doo i chanj muh wulpapur **** **** itsz been a bit of uh problum foh mee eeuuuuuuhhhhh i dunno howtadoit chkhhhan you help me wit uuuhhh witfhma wallpeper (machine) End of messages. (Basifuk) You have to shut down Windows and restart in MS-DOS mode, type “format c colon”, press “enter”, type “y”, then press “enter” again. Problem solved. Thank you for your inquiry! Now I must toss it in the toilet. (Windows 98 shutdown) (phone ring) (ring ring ring phone call) (machine) Hello, please leave a message after the tone. (tone tone!) (TRAN.EXE) BASIFUK, YOU WILL SURELY SUFFER FOR INTERFERING WITH THE ETERNAL KING OF SOY’S JUSTIFIED PLANS. WE KNOW WHO AND WHAT YOU REALLY ARE. YOU WILL LEARN TO FEAR US LIKE NEVER BEFORE. DO NOT RESIST THE Y2K BUG YOU SCUMBAG WHALE. THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN AUTHORIZED BY THE ETERNAL KING OF SOY. GLORY TO THE–