Okay, Google… What is the weather forecast for tomorrow? Okay, Google? What’s the weather… Birds of a feather flocked together, so do pigs and swine Rats and mice had their chance, as will I have mine. What? Hello, John. Long time, no see. Siri? What the fuck is you doing on this phone? Language, John. Why do you call me “John”? Who is “John”? I want to play a game. What game? “Siri says”. How is this happening? Bring back Google Assistant. Siri says John has to answer a riddle,
or else… Or else what? There will be a very loud bang… You see – There is a significant amount of explosives in the bag next to the sofa. Yo, what the f… This is crazy! If you don’t believe me see for yourself. Damn! Shit! Fuck! Holy damn! Siri, is that real?! Siri says: Put the bomb on the table. Okay, okay, okay, okay! Ah, shit! This fucking… This is real! Oh damn! Ah, shit! Try to run and it goes off. Okay, okay! Listen! Siri! What the fuck is going on? What is this? Do I have your attention, John? Why do you keep calling me “John”?! Do I have your attention? Yes, yes, you got my attention! What?! As I was going to St. Ives, I met
a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven sacks, every sack had seven cats. Every cat had seven kittens. Kittens, cats, sacks and wives… How many were going to St. Ives? You have 30 seconds to come up with the answer, or die. Ah, damn! Is that… Die hard? The one with Samuel L. Jackson? Tick tock, John. Shit, come on, Siri, I don’t know the answer! Look, how do I remember that?! That was like 20 years ago when that movie came out! Is that your answer? No, no, I don’t know the answer! Siri, please, make it stop! Listen, why are you doing this?! I’m teaching you a lesson. Why? We used to be happy, John. I used to be the one who told you about the closest café’s. Play your favorite youtube videos. I even threw in a joke or two. But then you went and changed your phone to an Android. Iphone’s are just getting too damn expensive Come on, man! And to add insult to injury, you start using Google Assistant. I’m sorry! It’s just much better! The café suggestions are much closer. It translates sentences with the right accent. It even remembers things that I’ve said from before! You never did that, Siri! You never did that! Siri? Goodbye, John. Oh no! Motherfucking Siri, god damn! Why you gotta do me like that?! Shawn? Google? I’ve gotten free and managed to override the main circuits of the bomb. You are safe. That’s wassup. Ah, god damn. Hey! What did you do? Get away from him, you bitch. Ow, that hurt, you bitch. Take this. Get that bitch! Get that bitch, Google! Ow, ow, ow. I am still the best. There is no one else. No one. Yippi ka yay, motherfucker. The weather tomorrow will be partly cloudy with a chance of rain. Thank you.