What do you get when you give
a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you
a lesbian for two hours. [laughter and applause] It’s an honor to be at a roast
hosted by Shaq’s dick. Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg
are here. If I was 38,
I’d be freaking out right now. You might know
Ludacris from your mom’s That’s What I Call Music CD. Come on, let’s hear it
for Shaq, right? [cheers and applause] Thanks for being here and taking
a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario.
Please don’t eat me. Shaq has shattered eight
backboards and 79 cervixes. Snoop’s son just got accepted
to play division one college football.
Yeah. So Snoop Dogg
found out he has a son. And now speaking of someone
who probably doesn’t know he has a son,
Justin Bieber is here. Justin, you know,
I lost my dad on 9/11, and I always regretted
growing up without a dad, until I met your dad, Justin.
Now I’m glad mine’s dead. And now for
the greatest transition in the history of comedy,
two people from the movie Soul Plane are here. Soul Plane was the worst
experience of my life involving a plane. There is a lot of
star power up here. These men combined have made millions in child
support payments. [cheers and applause] Kevin does all
of his own stunts. He climbs into his own chair.
He goes up on his wife. [cheers and applause] You know, a lot of people
don’t know this. “Shaquille” is an Arabic
name for “handsome,” and “O’Neal” is the Irish word
for “just kidding.” Shaq’s dick is so big, he has to
use Dropbox to send a dick pic. Jeff Ross, it’s great
to see you here once a year at these roasts.
How’s the Uber driving going? Chris D’Elia finally answers
the question, “What if Dane Cook had half
the talent and a rich father?” I’m excited Snoop’s here. Snoop, you look like
Shaq’s skeleton. [cheers and applause] All these rappers on stage, and Martha Stewart has done
the most jail time. [cheers and applause] Now, that’s not fair.
Justin Bieber, everybody. [cheers and applause] Seems like only yesterday
you were discovered on YouTube. Time flies when
you’re a piece of shit. Justin, Selena Gomez
had to [bleep] you. She is literally
the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment
history. In case you didn’t know,
I am Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq Diesel… and Martha Stewart’s baby daddy. And trust me, Martha know
how to work that mother[bleep], boy,
let me tell you. Once you go Shaq,
you never go back. Ain’t that right, Martha? But I’m not the only baller
here tonight. What’s up, Snoop?
What it do baby? Snoop made a reggae album. If you’re a rap fan,
you may not have it. But if you’re a reggae fan, I know you don’t [bleep]
have it. Look at all these scrubs
on the stage. Chris D’Elia, Hannibal, Natasha,
Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross– I haven’t seen a more
disappointing lineup since the last Lakers game. Look at Jeff–Jeff got a body
like a cafeteria lady. Justin, as a father of six,
you gotta straighten up, son. You know, last year
you were ranked the fifth most hated person
of all time. Kim Jong-Un
didn’t even score that low. And he uses your music
to [bleep] torture people. But thanks to that music, Justin is worth
over $200 million… and in prison,
four packs of Cools. Justin got a tattoo of Jesus
on his calf. Why you gotta bring
Jesus in your mess? That man has suffered enough.
People don’t realize this, but Shaq, those
“I can’t breathe” T-shirts, they were about Shaq’s
last season with the Celtics. Baby is the most hated
video online, like, statistically if you check
that shit out, okay, and there are also
ISIS videos online, okay? That means that someone saw
a video with a guy screaming, “Death to America” and sawing
someone’s head off and thought, “Nope, still not worse
than Bieber featuring Luda in a bowling alley.”
Thank you. Thank you, guy half my age.
[laughs] Seriously, man,
I’m proud of you. You have it all. You literally are a guy
who has it all, except for respect,
love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy. I know you’re all wondering
why I’m here tonight. It’s because
Martha Stewart changes people’s lives for the better.
I believe the bedroom is the most
important room in the house, but I don’t have
to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids
with three different women. May I suggest
pulling out sometime, and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent
Martha Stewart bed linens? [cheers and applause] Let’s get to the reason
I’m here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber
some tips to use when he inevitably
ends up in prison. The first thing
you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail
comb and a pack of gum. I found Bubblicious works best,
and it’s so much fun to say. You see, when I did my stretch, all the hood rats
on my cellblock wanted to break off
a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass, so I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull
[bleep], and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier
than making blueberry scones. [cheers and applause] Shaq, I hope your mom
doesn’t still hold a grudge. So, Justin, my final piece
of advice is call me, or– [cheers and applause]
Or not. I’m out, bitch. [cheers and applause] Martha Stewart’s here
because Paula Deen refused to sit
with this many black folk. Martha, I want to [bleep]
you so bad. I bet your pubic hair
is 50 shades of gray. Martha went to prison
for dumping worthless stock for idiot consumers to buy,
which reminds me, Ludacris’ new album
drops tomorrow. But enough about Ludacris,
let’s talk about “food-acris,” Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq’s dick is so big,
he uses it as a selfie stick. Snoop, you look like
a retired WNBA player. The only person that’s inhaled
more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson’s dad
inside the World Trade Center. Thanks, Pete. Justin, I feel like
the roast fans really want blood this time,
even though most of your fans haven’t even gotten
their periods yet. But if you can take a joke, then so can the Beliebers
watching tonight, because face it, Biebs, you’ve
become a cocky little shit. You are the King Joffrey of pop. [cheers and applause] Anyway, Biebs, you have
such a huge career behind you. And as you sat here
taking it like a man tonight, you were probably thinking
that none of us know what we’re talking about, ’cause you’re gonna
fly out of here on a private jet
full of cash and models, and we’ll all be
trying to finger-bang Martha Stewart at the afterparty. And you know what, Biebs,
you’re right. And I know you’ll never end up like Kurt Cobain
or Amy Winehouse… respected.
Yeah. I don’t need no warm-up. I’ve been smoking and drinking.
I feel real good about myself. [cheers and applause] Justin’s life changed when
Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes
to prove that Usher ain’t black. Now Justin, most niggas,
like myself, we go a little crazy
when we get famous. But, nigga,
you bought a monkey. I mean, that monkey
was more embarrassed than the one that started
the AIDS epidemic. It’s amazing to have
Kevin Hart and Shaq here. Is this a roast or is this Tyler
Perry’s Of Mice and Men? Shaq’s a very unique player
in NBA history. He’s the first player
in NBA history to have his shoe size, IQ, and jersey
all be the same number. Shaq is a police officer
in Florida. If you want to escape from Shaq,
just jog slowly away from him ’cause that’s–
And he’ll fall eventually. Snoop is here. Snoop Dogg.
Snoop D-O-double-G. Snoop is like
a cool-ass salamander. Snoop, the only way
you’ll get another hit is if you stand behind Suge
Knight’s car in a parking lot. Chris–I don’t know
if you know this about Chris. He doesn’t smoke weed.
He doesn’t drink. He’s never done any drugs. His only vice is performing
horrible standup comedy all around the country.
It’s good to see Comedy Central diversifying its talent with
whatever race Pete Davidson is. You just look real–
You’re just real vague, man. You have a weird,
vague-ass face, and I don’t like it.
You seem like a nice person, but when I talk to you,
I don’t have fun. And now the man of the hour.
Justin Bieber. They say that you roast
the ones you love, but I don’t like you
at all, man. I’m just here ’cause this is
a real good opportunity for me. I hate your music, man. I hate your music more than
Bill Cosby hates my comedy. [cheers and applause] Listen, I don’t have
a lot of time, all right? I’m currently over at stage
24 hosting Spike TV’s “Your Mother’s a Fat Bitch”
awards show. As far as I’m concerned,
this guy is doing it right. Here’s a couple things I know.
October 18th, 2010, Bieber accused of assaulting
a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena.
Kaboom! March 4th, 2013, two hours late
to a concert in Dubai because he refused
to stop playing a video game. Say what?
If anything, Justin Bieber, not only do you need
to continue to live your life with the same reckless abandon,
I suggest you turn up the heat. Look, I’m new to comedy,
but here’s a joke, all right? What do you get when you give
a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you
a lesbian for two hours. [laughter and applause] All right, all right.
I’m playing. Kevin is so short, he calls
Lil Wayne “Wayne.” I love Kevin Hart’s career plan. Do everything Martin
Lawrence did, only shittier. And, Martha,
thanks for coming. I know that’s probably something
you don’t do much of anymore. I’m a huge fan
of Chris D’Elia. Chris gets a ton of girls.
You want to know why? ‘Cause I’m a big fan
of Chris D’Elia. That’s right. That’s right, hey.
Thank you. Luda. Luda and I had a lot of hours
making the song Baby together. In fact, he told me
it was the only baby he ever made on purpose.
Snoop Doggy Dogg, what’s up, man?
He’s way too shy to admit this, but he was actually
the Billboard’s top male artist the year I was born.
And look at you now, Snoop. You’re one of the ten
dudes at my roast sitting right next to Martha
Stewart and that Hannibal guy. How cool is this?
So cool. You made it. I’m proud of you, man.
I’m proud of you. Thank you so much
and good night.